Entree with the Vampire

By Fritz Haarmann [Email]

Many years ago, when Fritz was young, his town was in a state of terror over a spate of unexplained deaths. The victims were all young men who had been completely drained of their blood. The police claimed to have no clues as to the identity of the serial killer or what his modus operandi could be. There didn't seem to be any connection between the victims other than their gender and youth. Of course, the more sensational tabloid press claimed that the city was being stalked by vampires, which the police ridiculed as impossible.

Fritz knew better, and was concerned. Since the victims of vampires often turned into vampires themselves, once one or two got started in a city, there would soon be an infestation that would be as difficult to get rid of as an infestation of their fellow winged creatures, the wool moths. Fritz didn't approve of vampires. Their habit of just drinking the blood and discarding the most tasty and nutritious part, and then littering the vicinity with bodies, offended against the spirit of tidiness and frugality which he'd inherited from his germanic forebears. The abandoned bodies also never failed to arouse the interest of law enforcement agencies to a greater extent than mere disappearances would. Worst of all, while the town was in a panic, fewer people would dare to venture out alone, which would seriously reduce the prey available for other hunters, such as Fritz. Yet Fritz supposed you couldn't really blame the vampires for being the way they were. Probably a certain airheadedness was necessary to keep them buoyant while aloft in the air.

Nevertheless, Fritz decided that it would be in his best interests for him to do something about the situation.

Figuring that the most likely place to locate a vampire would naturally be some sort of "cruise" locale, Fritz determined to go to the flats down by the river one sultry evening to see what he could find. After washing up, he took care to dress appropriately for the situation. He intentionally waited to shave until just before leaving. He shaved hastily and, as would be expected, succeeded in nicking himself in the neck, although it turned out to be just a small nick. Fritz inspected the cut and decided he was ready for a night out. Picking up his backpack, he headed out into the heat of the night for the river flats.

Just as he'd expected, even though it was a Saturday night, there was hardly anyone there, and those few were none too appetizing. Obviously, the better quality prey were staying safely at home. He spent over an hour impatiently roaming the area, avoiding any eye contact with the others wandering about, but without any luck. Ironically, despite the fact that he did find some gays there, it looked like his search would still be "fruitless". In fact, this was beginning to look like some sort of mission impossible. However, just when he was considering leaving for some other cruise locale, a figure appeared out of the darkness from behind one of the weedy shrubs that thrived on the mudflats. This new arrival was definitely not like the rest of the habitues of the place. He had blond hair tied back in a pony tail and was dressed in a style that, in its formality, not only seemed ludicrously inappropriate to the mileu and the activities carried on there, but showed that it had been a woefully long time since the wearer had last consulted a fashion magazine. Possibly decades.

Fritz smirked.

Nevertheless, as the intruder came closer, Fritz had to admit that despite his obvious lack of fashion sense, he was otherwise quite an appetite stimulating guy, who still had the appearance, at least, of youth. When the evening breeze off the river caused the skirts of his frock coat to flap, they revealed a flowery waistcoat that accentuated the form of the fit, muscular torso it was molding. Lowering his gaze further, Fritz followed with his eyes the shape of the body past a narrow waist, full hips and athletic thighs. Looking back up, he found himself staring into a pair of blue eyes telegraphing promises that were set in a pale-complectioned face that most people, at least magazine journalists, would describe as beautiful. Fritz was sufficiently pleased with what he saw that he forgot the required protocol for cruising and smiled invitingly at the newcomer, who smiled back, revealing a row of pearly white, but oddly pointy teeth.

"Evening," said the newcomer, "you come here often?"

"Only when I have an appetite for it."

"Why don't we go off somewhere by ourselves? I can tell that I turn you on, and I don't mind telling you that you're one of cutest guys here tonight."

Fritz refrained from pointing out that the competition for that title wasn't particularly intense on that evening.

"Don't be bashful. I work extra hard to get you over the hump of being daunted by my looks. I've learned how to help you deal with it. So, how about it? There's a lot a man like me could give a boy like you."

Fritz broke into a rascally grin.

"Wheeeeere's the money?"

His new friend's face took on a look of exasperation that can only come from hearing a certain phrase one time too many.

"Sorry, I couldn't help myself."

Still bearing a smile now ostensibly of embarrassment, Fritz coyly turned his head to the side in feigned confusion, coquettishly displaying the razor nick on his throat, from which a last drop of blood was still oozing.

The stranger's blue eyes glinted while his nostrils flared with desire. He grabbed Fritz's arm.

"Listen, kid. I'm not talking about mere money. I'm going to give you the choice I was never given."

"Cool. What's that?"

"Let's go."

The stranger quickly grabbed Fritz in both arms and, in an instant, they flashed through the air, arriving in what was apparently the stranger's place of residence. The period of transition was short, but not so short that Fritz didn't have enough time to snuggle up against the well developed body and satisfy himself regarding its fullness and meatiness. Once they'd arrived, Fritz discretely palped the biceps of the arms enclosing him, before there was sufficient time to let him go. Obviously, an exclusively liquid diet hadn't hampered his new friend's muscular development in any way. Secretly licking his lips with gourmand anticipation, Fritz took a furtive look around the room. The interior decoration displayed the same taste as the choice in clothes. It was in some sort of funerary Louis Quatorze style, with lots of stone cherubs and urns and paintings of cypress trees on the walls. There were several silk-upholstered divans scattered about the room and gilt candelabras were set up on every flat space available. It all seemed rather cluttered to Fritz. Through a side door, Fritz could make out a coffin sitting in a neighboring room, with its lid lying untidily askew.

"Nice place," he said insincerely, while dumping his backpack on a side table whose top was decorated with an idyllic painting of arcadian shepherds and shepherdesses going about their quaint, pastoral activities. When he turned around, the stranger was standing in the middle of the room.

"Boy, do you have any idea of how long I've been on the earth?"

He didn't get a answer, since Fritz's attention had been diverted by a dog-eared book on dianetics that he'd noticed sitting on a shelf next to a statuette of a female figure veiled in a shroud.

"Would you believe that I was born over three hundred years ago?"

"Really?" Fritz replied politely. "I would've put you at about thirty-two."

The stranger leered triumphantly.

"No. My daunting beauty and youthfulness notwithstanding, I'm actually several centuries old."

He raised his arm for rhetorical effect, with a glint in his azure eyes.

"For I am the vampire Upstat!"

("Huh! Upstat," thought Fritz. "Well, that explains the book at least. A vampire with high statistics yet.")

Noticing that the vampire seemed a bit nonplussed at the lack of response to his revelation, Fritz obligingly opened his eyes wide and stepped back an inch or two. Apparently satisfied, Upstat moved closer and grabbed Fritz by the arm, pulling him into his embrace. Fritz let himself be wrapped in the vampire's arms again, averting his face with a simulated nervousness. Upstat moved his lips close to his intended victim's ear.

"I'm going to give you a choice. To become one of the immortals..... or to become food for them."

("Whew," thought Fritz, "For a moment there, I thought he might try to give me a pamphlet on scientology.")

Fritz thought Upstat was hamming it up a little, although he could hardly blame him. After all, he agreed that reality could only be improved if it was embellished with a little creative thespianism. He tried to keep up his part of the scene and shuddered in as believable a manner as possible. It was easier for him to counterfeit feelings of horror when he mentally pictured the vampire attempting to expound the philosophy of dianetics to him. Once again he hungrily clutched the muscles of the arms enveloping him and buried his face in the vampire's shoulder.

"Will it hurt?" he asked in a soft, quavering voice.

Instead of answering, the vampire suddenly lunged at Fritz's throat. Fritz was almost taken by surprise, since he'd been getting carried away with playing the role of the passive victim, but he still was able to react quickly enough and stopped Upstat by sticking his hand in front of the vampire's face.

"Wait! There's something you don't know."

"What might that be?" the vampire snarled impatiently.

Up until now, Fritz had been keeping his face turned bashfully away and speaking softly. Now he suddenly turned and let out a big breath directly into Upstat's face. The vampire grabbed his throat and started to gag.

"I've got garlic breath."

Gasping convulsively, Upstat collapsed to his knees, still clutching his throat.

Fritz put on a devilish grin.

"Although garlic is toxic for you batboys, I happen to love the stuff."

Fritz kneeled down next to the vampire writhing on the floor and turned him onto his stomach. After he'd pulled the frock coat from Upstat's arms and given the vampire's meaty butt an appreciative squeeze through the seat of his silk breeches, he flipped him over onto his back again and unbuttoned the waistcoat and ruffled shirt. Then, as Upstat continued to struggle feebly, Fritz proceeded to remove all of his remaining clothing, dragging the silk breeches and undershorts down over the spasmodically quivering legs. Soon the vampire was twisting about nude on the parquet floor, in a rather voluptuous manner, while ineffectually gnashing his pointy little teeth. Fritz thought the sight of the twisting male flesh underneath him was rather stimulating, particularly when he considered that it would soon be twisting down his throat, but he couldn't take the time to enjoy it. The vampire was already obviously beginning to recover a little of his strength.

Fritz walked over to his backpack and pulled out a large tupperware container. With the patented burp, he removed the lid and turned back to the gasping vampire, who was on his hands and knees, crawling slowly toward the window, apparently in a vain attempt at escape. Fritz stepped up next to Upstat and leaned over him, revealing the contents of the container.

"Know what this is, Upstat?"

Inside the container was a yellowish, mayonnaise-like substance. However, the aroma that escaped from it was definitely not the fragrance of mayonnaise. Upstat's eyes opened wide in horror.

"No! Not that!" he croaked.

"Yes, Upstat. It is!"

Fritz paused for dramatic effect. Upstat had had his opportunity, and now it was Fritz's turn to lay it on thick, so to speak.


Fritz reached in his hand, removed a glob of aioli out of the container and plopped it on Upstat's hairless chest. The vampire sucked in his breath and fell over onto his back with a shudder. Fritz dumped some more aioli on the recumbent vampire, kneeled down next to him and started to spread it over his torso with his hands. When the breast and abdomen were completely covered with the substance, Fritz began massaging Upstat, first working the aioli into his pectoral muscles. Upstat could faintly feel his strength waning away as the garlicky sauce penetrated deep into his flesh. When Fritz had finished rubbing the aioli into Upstat's torso, he moved on to rub it into the arms and the quad muscles of the legs, relishing the feel of the twitching muscles in his hands. When he was finished there, he turned the vampire onto his stomach. Upstat groaned as Fritz slabbered some more aioli onto his back and resumed his massage with the shoulders. Fritz gradually kneaded his way down the back to the waist. When he reached the ass, he slapped another helping of aioli on each cheek, causing them to jiggle like two helpings of flesh-flavored jello, and continued rubbing it into the fatty mounds, digging his fingers deep into the meat. Then he started massaging the sauce into the muscular thighs. He moved his hand upwards again as he was working the insides of the thighs. Upstat jerked when Fritz's fingers poked up against his asshole, whose sphincter had been shut tight for at least a couple centuries. Suddenly an image of the scene with the butter from Last Tango in Paris flashed in Upstat's mind.

"No! Wait!" he whispered hoarsely. "I'm not g...."

He let out a grunt when he was interrupted by Fritz pushing some aioli right into the anus.

"Just hang in there a bit longer, Upstat. I'll still young, so this shouldn't take long. Not long at all."

Indeed, it wasn't long before Fritz was finished and the vampire's smooth, naked body was coated from head to foot with the slick substance, causing the skin to glisten in the light cast from the roomful of candelabras. Fritz gloated down on the incapacitated vampire. He wasn't quite through rubbing it in, both literally and metaphorically. Besides, he was feeling conversational.

"In all those centuries you'd been preying on other guys, I bet it didn't once occur to you that you might run into a predator yourself some day."

Fritz continued kneading a last glob of aioli into the flesh of the vampire's back and sides, pinching handfuls of lateral muscles in his fists.

"Poor guy. First you weren't given a choice about becoming one of the immortals, and now you're not getting a choice about becoming food for one of the mortals. But, such is life, or should I say 'unlife'. Well, at any rate, looks like you're ready to be served."

So saying, Fritz gave the vampire one last affectionate pat on the butt. Then, still kneeling on the floor next to the prone Upstat, Fritz grabbed him by the torso and lifted him up so they were face-to-face. Now that they were close up, Fritz noticed that his victim's hair had black roots. Evidently he wasn't a natural blond.

"It's kind of ironic, though. You thought you were going to fill yourself with my blood, but, instead, once you've been digested, you yourself will be dissolved in the very blood you were planning on consuming."

As Fritz opened his mouth wide, the garlic-infused, weakened vampire could only look back at him mutely, his periwinkle-blue eyes telegraphing pleas for mercy. Soon, his beautiful face had disappeared through Fritz's lips. As usual, Fritz ran his tongue over his dinner's face and neck, savoring the flavor. The tip of his tongue caressed a small scar on the otherwise smooth, white throat, where, some centuries previously, someone else had already had a taste of Upstat.

Fritz took a deep gulp, sucking the handsome vampire down into his throat. The flanks of the torso and the belly rubbed appetizingly against his taste buds as the aioli-slickened body slid smoothly in up to the waist. Up to now, one of the pleasures Fritz enjoyed in eating guys consisted in the sensation of absorbing their body warmth as they were inexorably drawn down into his stomach. So, he was a little taken aback at the deathlike coolness emanating from Upstat's body. The sepulchral body temperature, combined with the clammy slipperiness created by the coating of aioli, made it almost seem like he was trying to swallow a giant salamander. After the initial shock, however, and once he'd gotten used to it, he found the flavor quite delectable, as long as he thought of Upstat as a kind of living (unliving?) cold cut. In fact, the vampire made quite a refreshing repast on a hot, summer night like tonight. Nevertheless, Fritz had to wonder what the nutritional value of the flesh of the undead could be, compared with warmblooded prey.

However, that wasn't the only thing that was lacking. Fritz also missed the panicky struggling his dinners usually gave him on their way down.

Upstat's strength had been so depleted by the garlic rubbed into his muscles, that he could only lie there helplessly while being sucked in. Fritz missed the sensation of a guy's muscles wriggling against the sides of the esophagus on his way down. While trying to come up with a remedy to the situation, he took another gulp and sucked the body further in, so that he'd gotten the plump curves of the hips inside his lips. The nude butt was particularly aromatic as a result of a thicker than usual layer of aioli that had collected in the crack of the ass. Remembering how sensitive Upstat had been regarding a certain portion of his anatomy, Fritz had an idea. He decided to try to revive the vampire's instinct to struggle by sticking his hand between the fleshy thighs hanging out of his mouth and pinching the bare skin of the tender insides. Upstat's legs kicked reflexively. Encouraged by the result of his first attempt, Fritz pushed his index finger in through his lips, poking it into the vampire's cool asshole, which was situated inside, just behind his front teeth. Upstat jerked spasmodically, flattening his ass cheeks against Fritz's palate and rubbing off some of the sauce in his crack onto the roof of the mouth. He continued twisting and squirming now in a satisfyingly delectable manner as Fritz gave his meaty thighs another vigorous pinch while sucking him further in. Fritz tickled the vampire's lower abdomen, then the crotch, with his tongue as they slipped through. As the groin slid over his tongue, Fritz could feel something wet, presumably some aioli that had dripped off of the reputedly nonfunctioning genitalia. Gradually the thighs, calves and finally the feet were lost to sight within his mouth, as he lingeringly sucked the vampire's wriggling body inside him. Soon he could feel the movements of Upstat's twisting, filling him all the way from his stomach, through the throat and into the mouth. Finally, prepratory to the final swallow, he took in a breath while constricting his throat muscles around the vampire's torso. He could feel the slippery flanks and hips rubbing against the walls of the esophagus holding them tightly in, as Upstat twisted back and forth. Then Fritz made one last big gulp which pulled the vampire's entire body into his distended stomach.

Suddenly, Fritz's body itself made a quick jerk. He involuntarily let out an "oops" of astonishment. Although it had been filled to the stretching point by the volume of food inside, in an instant the distended stomach collapsed back again as a result of the food within suddenly being reduced to a fraction of its former dimensions. At the same time, he had a strange fluttering sensation inside the stomach. Fritz clamped his mouth tightly shut in an attempt to keep his dinner down. Although the discomfort seemed to last a long time, it was only a second before his abdomen was just as suddenly stretched out again, pushed out when his dinner returned to its normal size. Apparently, Upstat had reflexively summoned up the last reservoirs of his strength and tried to escape by turning into a bat. Fritz sat down on the plush divan and queasily held his stomach. He hadn't remembered to take into consideration the protean abilities that vampires possess. However, that had been Upstat's last chance. Now Fritz could feel only a feeble squirming inside, which was steadily growing weaker and weaker.

Fritz stretched out on the divan, so he'd be in a comfortable position while digesting his meal of vampire a la provencale. As he leaned back, he caught sight of a photo of Upstat hanging on the wall next to one of Ron Hubbard. Looking at the blue eyes staring out at him from the conventionally pretty face in the photo, Fritz stroked the real thing inside him and smiled.

"You.....replete me," he murmured feelingly to Upstat inside.


Evidently, the fluttering in his stomach, along with the sudden collapse and distention again, had given him a case of the hiccups. Over the next few days, he was interrupted regularly by little hicks as he lay on the divan breaking down Upstat into his constituent molecules, which were absorbed into the blood stream.

As the vampire was being digested over a period of several days, Fritz gradually diminished in size. When he was about normal size again, although still feeling full from a stomachful of vampire, he stroked his stomach, feeling pretty pleased with himself. After all, it's not everyone who can say they've got someone digesting inside them who'd been chosen by People Magazine as one of the fifty most beautiful people in the world.

"One down," he thought, "and ..."

Suddenly he detected the approaching sound of some winged creature going "flup, flup, flup."

"Uh oh," he thought. "Must be another of those lighter-than-air flibbertigibbets."

Indeed, in a moment there was a handsome, twenty-something, young man standing in the room, just inside the open window. He had the same obligatory pigtail as Upstat's, although his hair was black. He was also dressed conservatively, thankfully not quite as anachronistically as Upstat however. By the time he'd arrived in the room, Fritz had had just enough time to sit up on the divan with his hands folded in his lap like a demure, young gentleman. Fritz thought the newcomer looked even more appetizing than Upstat had. He smiled sweetly at the guy, who, however, only frowned back at him in a puzzled manner.

"Hi there! I'm Fritz. Who are you?"

"I am Louis LaBite, Upstat's companion. Just what are you doing here?"

(Fritz thought, "Two down...")

"Upstat invited me up for dinner, Mr. LePitte. He said something about an offer he wanted to make me. Unfortunately he couldn't hang around."

"The name's LaBite. So, just how many other boys has that two-timing winged rodent been giving the choice he never had?"

Fritz pursed his lips in a moue of innocent ignorance and shrugged expressively. Out of the corner of his eye, he checked to make sure that the tupperware container with the aioli was out of sight behind his feet underneath the divan.

"So you're saying that Upstat is gone right now?"

Fritz patted his stomach and repressed a grin.

"Just about. (Hick)"

"So, where did he go?"

Fritz pointed at the spot on the divan next to him, while secretly swallowing some of the saliva that the sight of Louis was causing his taste buds to release.

"If you'd just sit down here... (Hick)... I'd be delighted to show you."

Just then Louis noticed that he could see Fritz's reflection mirrored in the polished silver sides of a fruit bowl on a nearby table. Obviously, Upstat hadn't had a chance to offer Fritz the famous choice yet. Louis licked his lips. It would serve Upstat right if he moved in first and took this one himself. The way he was hiccuping and holding his stomach, the boy was obviously more frightened than he was letting on.

"Relax, kid. You look like you've got butterflies in your stomach."

"Not quite (Hick)... but you're getting warm."

Just then Fritz noticed a moist slick on the parquet floor where Upstat had been lying while being smeared with the aioli. He hoped that the anyone whose dinner manners including biting people in the jugular would probably be too accustomed to damp, sticky spots on the floor to take much notice of one more.

"So how did you get the hiccups?"

"I just ate a ham, you might say. A whole one. (Hick)"

"Well, you obviously didn't chew it enough before swallowing."


"Then I can certainly see how your stomach might be upset."

Fritz looked up at him instensely.

"Oh you've never seen my stomach upset."

"At any rate, you should do something about it. Have you tried holding your breath and counting to ten?"

"Actually, I'm not very good at holding my breath. I have better luck if I block my throat with something."

Fritz smiled seductively up at Louis.

"Something big," he added in a sultry voice.

Louis hitched his trousers up and leered down at Fritz.

"Well, I think I could probably help you out there."

"That's just... (Hick)...what I was thinking myself."

Within an instant, Louis was sitting on the divan next to Fritz. Leaning his arm on the back of the divan, he leaned down toward Fritz's face, baring his teeth in a predatory grin. Fritz had also leaned over, so they ended up looking each other in the eyes. Louis was startled to see that the grin on Fritz's face was identical to his own.


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