A dinghy is at sea, in it are four lovely women in various states of dishevled appearance: hair is tossed about, clothing torn, one woman wears only a bikini. Another hangs her long pretty leg out the side of the boat, her toenails are painted a bright red. A fifth passenger of the life boat is a man, and he sits amid them looking forelorn and wasted. He wears the uniform of a luxury boat officer.
VERONICA
(in the bikini)
How long has it been?
JENNIFER
(a pretty blond her makeup is mussed up)
Three days I think.
LISA
(her leg hanging out of the boat)
We can't hold out much longer.
(She looks about with deepening depression)
the captain is almost gone, we've not seen any sign of a ship, we
have no means to control our drift . . . I'm afraid you'll have
to eat me.
ALL TOGETHER
(various shocked gasps)
GAIL
(her lovely hair in a bun that droops)
Eat you?
LISA
Yes, eat me.
(she lifts her leg and shows it off)
there's plenty of good meat here, she grabs her thigh and shakes it then
lays it on the Captain's lap, he begins to look excited.)
What's the matter, Veronica?
VERONICA
Nothing, nothing.
LISA
(obviously displeased and a bit insulted)
You don't want to eat me?
VERONICA
Not at all, I'd love to eat you, it's just that ... well, I'd prefer
to eat Jennifer.
JENNIFER
oh! Well, ok, we'll all eat me then, shall we? (She stands and
removes her blouse and drops it on the captain.)
There, plenty for everyone she says sitting back down and shaking her
ample bosom.
LISA
Fine, we'll eat breast meat, no one likes legs?
(she waves her pretty barefoot close to the captain's face who follows it
ravenously with his eyes.)
CAPTAIN
I ... I like legs.
LISA
there, see, the captain wants to eat me.
Don't you sweetie.
(she climbs into the captain's lap and carefully pampers him like he were
a child.)
VERONICA
He's OUR captain Lisa, not just your captain. If we are going to get out
of here, we need him healthy.
LISA
(shooting Veronica a very sour look)
what's that supposed to mean?
VERONICA
well, it's just that, I happen to know that you're a smoker.
LISA
What? I smoke one cigarette once in a while!
VERONICA
Still, smoking ruins your body... you might not be healthy enough for
the captain, perhaps you should be a later choice, eaten only if
necessary.
(Lisa pouts and removes herself from the captain's lap, who is obviously upset by this, and she seats herself away from the others, looking at her pretty legs.)
JENNIFER
Who should the captain eat then?
VERONICA
Me! I don't smoke, and I've ample meat on my hips.
(she stands and shows off her rump and thighs in the tiny bikini.)
JENNIFER
not so fast sweetie, i happen to know you've a very lousy diet, and you
drink like a fish.
(the captain who had been reaching for Veronica licking his lips now looks troubled and slowly drops his arms. Vernoica watchs this with mute sadness)
VERONICA
oh, so you've got a better choice in mind?
(she seats herself close and smiles at the Captain)
JENNIFER
well, There's no reason the captain should not find me nutritious and
healthy for his dinner. I'm on a strict diet of high fiber and veggies
and my body is trim and lean. I don't smoke, drink, or even gamble.
LISA
what's gambling got to do with anything?
JENNIFER
I'm just making a point, the Captain should eat me.
(she smiles and makes her way over to the captain who accepts her into
his arms while licking his swollen sun burned lips.)
GAIL
(breaking her silence)
wait, you're too small. He needs a bigger meal, I'm bigger, and I've never
smoked, drank, or gambled either.
(using her barefoot she shoves Jennifer off the captain's lap, and slides herself into her place.)
JENNIFER
you only outweigh me by four pounds!
GAIL
four quality pounds.
Here captain, tuck in!
(she offers the captain her calf.)
I know you're hungry.
(suddenly all the woman fall at the captain's feet and plead with him)
JENNIFER
oh eat me, captain!
VERONICA
NO, please eat me, I'll satisfy you, I'm delicious, I assure you.
GAIL
I promise I'm the tastiest, eat me!!
CAPTAIN
Ladies, please, I'll eat all of you.
THE LADIES
hurray!
EPILOGUE
The small launch was spotted one day later by a passing cruise ship. The first officer noted in his log that for being stranded alone for four days, the Captain seemed particularly well fed, in fact, even fat. He had been picked up alone, and claimed he had not seen another soul escape from the sinking ship.
my apologies to monty python for blatantly ripping off their very funny but not very sexy skit!